I can't sleep because I'm worried/ Thought work at 3am

Here’s a little thought work from my notebook since I couldn’t sleep last night. I hope it helps. By the time I got to the end of the page, I felt better (but it was time to wake up so I didn’t go to sleep):

I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because my brain is going crazy over things I’m worried about.

What are you worried about?

I’m worried about time management, I’m worried about appearances, about singing a Joni Mitchell song, planning the women’s retreat, organizing Fun Day, making sure I’m responding to emails in a timely fashion, doing what I said I was going to do, the upcoming shows that need promoting, tour, Montreal, money, upcoming recording projects, devoting enough time to my family, fundraisers, fitness, healthy eating, booking and so on.

Why are you worried?

I’m worried that I will not meet expectations. I’m worried about judgment, I’m worried about missing details on the list of things to do.

Why are you worried about judgment, not meeting expectations or missing details?

Because I don’t like thinking about people thinking poorly of me and how I’m not doing a good job.

OK, so what if they do think poorly of you and what if you do a bad job?

Then I’ll be disappointing myself and others.

What if you disappoint yourself and others?

I’ll feel bad and I will have proven their criticism to be true.

What do you gain from feeling bad and being a disappointment to others?

I get to indulge in my habit of self-loathing and feeling sorry for myself. I get to excuse myself from hard work and prove to myself over and again that I don’t do a good job because my self-loathing and depression make it so I do nothing.

And what do you gain if you dismiss worry as counter-productive? What do you gain if you take worrying about other’s approval completely off the table?

Then I get the power I need to complete the job the best way I can and not get frozen in self-doubt. I get the power of working efficiently and productively free from the distraction of judgment and criticism. I get to see this day and this time as a gift to be appreciated instead of a day that needs survival mode. I get to look around and see the good things in abundance that God has blessed me with instead of fixating on the one thing that’s trying to make me believe I’m drowning. Because I’m not drowning. I’m actually totally fine. I’m beloved, I’m free, I’m being invited into a world of wonder. I am not a prisoner.

And this is how struggle doesn’t live here anymore even if I’m up at 3am. I do have quite a bit of work to do, that’s true. But I’m more than capable of doing it. I used to think that being OK was a luxury that no one really ever gets unless they’re on vacation, but it turns out being OK is an option for every damn day. Even on bad days, we can be OK. Even when we can’t sleep, we can turn on the flashlight, dust the corners, find the ghost lurking and tell it to get the hell out.

Your real self

Your real self, my real self, his real self, her real self. Don’t you wish it were just obvious that we were all working within the freedom of our real selves all the time?

When I was younger I had moments of living in my real self and it felt wonderful. I remember particularly this one sunny day in Granada, Spain during the year I lived there in college. I was walking along the street, I was wearing a blue dress, I don’t recall it being a day when I had classes, and in my mind I was just walking enjoying the sunshine. I remember that moment because, in that moment, I remember saying to myself, “This is it. This is you being exactly who you are meant to be. This is a day to remember when you feel great, you love this place, you’re doing the thing.”

I drove to Kansas City yesterday for a gig and listened to podcasts there and back. “The Art School” with Leah Badertscher is one of my favorites. Yesterday, in episode ten, she said,

“The truth feels like freedom and lies feel like a cage”

I spent lots of time trying to work inside a cage. I still do. I try to please people and make excuses for why I should live in the cage until, like I said in my last post, I freak out and act out and then just blow off steam by not being so cagey. The truth feels so much better.

And it makes me wonder about the people around me. Why is it that we shackle ourselves to stuff we don’t want, jobs we don’t like, routines that don’t let us shine? Why is it that we think our best self, that our real self is somehow not worthy of being revealed? Why do we place a higher value on misery than contentment or a higher value on maintenance versus expansion? It’s like we’re all taking our talents and burying them in the ground in case the end is near.

Jon and I went out to lunch the other day I got the Salad Bar option that included a very nice (still warm) bread pudding for dessert. Afterward, as were driving to Walmart, I got a little teary saying, “Life would be so much easier if I had been created for a nice office job. Life wouldn’t feel so hard if I loved routine and time cards more.”

But would it? I’d just be on the other side of a human experience that’s half wonder and half worry. I’d still be living in the tension of what needs to be done and what I want to get done. That never goes away no matter what gifts and calling you’ve been given. It’s always going to be half winning and half working on the win. We can let a little light in by inviting our real selves to the table and giving them a say as to how this song goes. Hey, how DOES this song go?

You know what the world needs? The world needs your real self to stand up and do what she was designed to do. The world needs you energized and at peace. It doesn’t need another martyr working on leveling up on their suffering badge just to prove how much bullshit they can handle.

The truth tastes like freedom. This world could use more of that. This world could use more of you. Go on and give it to them. Love, Hope

Let me tell you how much I love Indian Rom Coms and thoughts on mental toughness

I love Indian romantic comedies and romantic dramas. I love them so much. The Indian culture (about which I know practically nothing) brings in a family element to the love stories which makes for a much more complicated but also true to life look at relationships that our love stories love to exclude and maintain the illusion that none of us live in community and that our relationships have nothing to do with our extended family and friends.

And also they always pull in a dance number, the women are gorgeous and India seems like a very beautiful, romantic, complicated, rich place to set a story. So I’ve been watching Indian RomComs like a boss. If that were my job, I’d get a raise I’m that good at watching Indian Romcoms.

Last week was a real doozy. My brain IS my body’s worst enemy and it was really giving me trouble last week. If last week were my very own Indian RomCom it would be perhaps a remake of “The Taming of the Shrew” only set in Mumbai. Or something like that.

I was feeling like it was me against the world last week. My brain was working overtime to inform me that I suck, that I’m making a fool of myself, I have absolutely no business doing any of things I fancy myself free to do and also, you should just quit.

Now this isn’t anything new for me. This used to be the running commentary I had in my brain all the time but I’ve decided I don’t do that anymore. In the past my brain would typically follow this pattern:

****be good, be good, be good, shut up, shut up, shut up, reign it in, reign in, reign it in, FUDGE THIS SUGAR AND THE SUGAR BOWL I RODE IN ON, act out, act out, act out because who cares? who cares? who cares?

Feel better after acting out, feel bad for acting out and then start all over again.****

I don’t do that anymore. That’s not what I’m into. It got me this far, I’ll give it that, but it won’t take me where I want to go so bye bye.

When it showed back up this week I was doing everything I could to make peace with it and leave it alone but something just would not let me shake it.

In my life coaching work I learned lots of ways to resist old thought habits and center myself in new ones. I learned how to journal from a place of abundance and completeness. I am whole and complete. I am not working to make up for the things I lack. I am not trying to earn my way out of some jail by getting a stamp of approval from some power somewhere above me. That’s not a thing. I am living in the mind, body and gifts that were chosen specifically for me and I am invited to love every minute of this day, week, year.

I did that. I still felt crummy.

I said, “This is just a bummer of a day. It’s not a grade your earned for being bad at life. It’s just a day”

No change.

And then, right before my gig on Friday, after days and days of feeling on the outside and so very uncool, I remembered this tool:

I can handle anything. I . can. handle. anything. and I’m like, “YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING!!!! BRING IT ON!!!!

And I felt free. Free again. I’m not afraid of feeling bad feelings. I’m not afraid of bad days. I can friggin’ feel anything and it doesn’t turn me into a troll. Bad feelings don’t put me in chains, they don’t suck away my identity or make me less than anyone else. They’re just bad feelings and I’m going to be just fine.

BUH BLAM!!!

CUE INDIAN DANCE NUMBER AND MAKE SURE THAT WIND MACHINE KICKS MY HAIR UP JUST RIGHT!

Turns out mental toughness isn’t just for NFL players anymore. It’s for all of us. When Bob at the nursing home heckled me during my nursing home happy hour set last week saying, “Don’t quit your day job.” I have the freedom to ingest that information any way I want. I have the power to decide if it’s something I wish to learn from, internalize or let go. I can look at rejection and choose to feel just as powerful and complete after the no as I did before it. And on and on and on. AND I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, NURSING HOME BOB! I ALREADY DID!!

I cried my eyes out at this Indian Romantic Drama called, “Dum Laga Ke Haisha” about an arranged marriage where the husband despised his new wife and everyone else for that matter because life wasn’t going the way he wanted it to. He felt powerless before the choices of his family, his past, and his new wife. It was pretty sad because it felt pretty true. Until the moment he ever so cautiously tried his hand at steering the ship and becoming the hero in his own story.

Turn’s out there’s no fight, there’s no jail, there’s no conflict at all. It was just stuff I got used to thinking to prove my case for smallness. There’s no judgment other than my own. People are pretty great at encouragement and helping. People are cheering you on. Mental mastery consists of thinking through all the thoughts you’ve just naturally adopted as your own and choosing if they get to stay or not. Are they helping you? Are they making you better or keeping you stuck right where you are?

The guy in “Dum Laga Ke Haisha” started letting go because no one gets points for hanging in there. No one earns favor for slogging through it and slapping a smile on your face. No doubt, we will all walk through the valley, no doubt the valley will change us forever, but even so, we get to choose how that trial will tattoo itself upon us. We will live with pain and grief, and still the story belongs to us. And there are no points. For any of it.

And now I’m going to make my list of things to do while watching “Bareilly Ki Barfi” (it stars the same guy from the other one and he’s dreamy). Cue wind machine, cue Indian dance music. Go be amazing.

Prompt Queens podcast and wanting

Emily Dunbar and I have been talking about how fun it would be to start a podcast for some time and then we finally did. It’s called “Prompt Queens,” you’ll see that my website now has a page devoted to it so you can mosey on over there and click on the link. It’s about songwriting to prompts in order to create some distance between you and your work, explore songwriting as craft and not always heart work. And also, ya know, just writing songs so you learn and get better at writing songs. All this with joking and taking most of it not seriously at all. AND WE DID IT. We made a plan, we did the plan relying heavily on Emily Dunbar’s technological know how and sleuthing to figure it all out. And I was in charge of the Instagram.

We’re meeting up again this weekend to cut three new episodes which means I’m writing three new songs. And it’s hard work, but man, I love it. After a year of really spending lots of time thinking and trying and thinking and writing, it’s like a breath of fresh air to have a word and my own imagination and nothing else. It feels great. I love songwriting, I love Emily, and I love talking about the work and maybe, just maybe, we can help someone else out there who needs a little ridiculous boost to get into a regular writing practice themselves.

So our new goal is to become full time podcast hosts. You can help us by listening to the thing (episode 2 drops tomorrow and is pretty funny, you guys), rating it, reviewing it and sharing it with your friends. If we were full time podcast hosts then we’d really be maximizing our skill set. Talking, laughing, showing off, and songwriting.

And then what else? Here at Hope Dunbar Music HQ I’ve been getting into the groove of full time musician writing the booking emails, writing the booking emails, playing the gigs, writing the booking emails, waking up in the middle of the night to think of more efficient ways to advance my career, and then writing some songs. It’s an interesting and fulfilling day to day made more desperate when some months look leaner than others. But whatever. We’re all out there trying to get it done.

And it’s swimming and light weights and grapefruit. It’s record highs for January, a stack of books by my bed it’s a crockpot full of chicken and a pile of laundry to my knees, thoughts about the next record and the money. Patreon? How is it those poinsettias are still alive in the basement? I’ve literally not touched them at all. Dusting the ceiling fan? Re-painting the bedroom? And no new couch because why? Wanting is weird. You spend all these years training yourself not to do it, to resist it and then someone comes along and says it’s OK to try. So you dip your toe in the feeling of satisfaction just a little- you paint your nails on Tuesday at 4pm just because. You wear clothes that are nicer than what’s considered acceptable and you feel the pressure start lifting from the pressure there was. And that feels good. In fact, you discover you work better and longer and truer just by letting a little want take hold.

And after the nails and the heels and letting want stick around you get the guts up to start wanting big things you never dreamed of confessing. Like a Grammy, like an income, like you’re worth it. Cuz you are.

Is today "a day" or "The Day"? or "Burn the ships in 2019"

First update on Fat Camp: In desperate need, By my own free will, joining today (in my mind) and they're waiving the registration fee just like I thought they would (there’s no fee, it’s just me deciding to eat better and move more).

Last night I had my friends over for a party/house concert. It’s the third time I’ve ever hosted a house concert. The first was for my first CD release party, the second was for my friend, Katie, and this third one was to celebrate the song commission project completion. We had so much fun. Because there was a party last night, I woke up to a pretty clean and tidy house this morning which makes for a great place to pick up the guitar, look out the window and write a song so I did.

There we were last night: drinking Iowa Wedding Punch, snacking on snacks, talking under the twinkle lights of my ‘youth room-esque’ basement, playing songs, laughing, just having a nice night together for no other reason than because of a group of songs and friendship.

And it got me to thinking. Was last night’s show “a show” or “the show?”

Defining dates in time, delineating between then and now, the life you had before you signed up for Fat Camp (for example) and everything that comes after. Any day we live could be just another day or it could be THE DAY. It just depends on what we’re aiming at and dreaming of.

This is a new idea for me. How could defining one random day as THE DAY be helpful in building a new future? Just like buying that new pair of trainers or joining a new fitness club. We build a new set of habits and new element to our identity by deciding today is the day you step into your new self and start letting go of the old one.

Which takes me back to last night in our basement. It was a wonderful night to celebrate a real labor of love. In the new light of this new morning, part of me thinks that it’s a good place to let go of one identity and practice the stepping into a new version of myself and last night’s concert may have been that “THE SHOW” moment I need to distinguish between what was and what will come to be.

Life Coaching (www.leahbc.com) introduced me to this idea of Before and After delineation. I get to choose my own milestones, I can invent my own important days by which I remember bidding farewell to one things and taking up the banner of something new. Yesterday I was the kind of artist begging to be noticed, getting some notariety and then sinking back into obscurity. Today I’m the artist who knows what she can do and is fearless in the pursuit of doing the best work she can possibly do without apology. Boom.

So last night was THE NIGHT. Don’t worry, I’m not running away from home or never having a party again but last night felt like the place to leave behind a certain artist identity, to close the book on the smallness of my previous aspirations and the perfect night to mark the beginning of the next chapter.

Sometimes you gotta burn the ships so as never to be tempted to go back. 2019 is going to be the best year ever. 75 gigs, writing the best songs out there, co-writing with my friends, collaborating with talented humans and being all in. Just like living in my post-fat camp fit identity before I’ve actually lost the weight, I’m going to live in my Grammy-winning mainstage identity before I’ve any trophy to speak of.

Burn the ship. Mark the day. 2019 is going to be the best year ever.

Fat Camp sounds so tempting right now

This is the first year where I’ve really felt like the target audience for all those post- Christmas/New Year’s Resolution weight loss campaigns out there. In past years, sure, they were always tempting but this year feels like I’m really in the desired doughy white lady demographic those programs need to meet their sales quotas for January.

I woke up with this urgent feeling of, “'I’m going to clean out my fridge, then go buy all workout gear, then plunk down a ridiculous amount of money for whatever 8-week miracle campaign that promises I’ll be Ally McBeal in my “After” photo. (dated pop culture reference acknowledged)

Yes. I’m going to be the one on the Weekly World News Garth Brooks Juice DIet (“So I married an Axe Murderer” reference) and my whole world is going to change.

This is what I was ranting about as I loaded the washing machine with bath towels this morning when my husband started talking me off the extreme Fat Camp ledge.

And then I remembered what I said I would really be working on in these weeks and months to come and it’s not measuring out my food to become a better me. I’ve been working on my “believe ability” since Life Coaching school. The idea that I’m gearing my thoughts toward my desired identity even if I’m not that identity just yet.

Instead of letting circumstances control how I feel about myself and my chub levels (for example), I’m practicing the belief that I already am all those things I wish to become. I’m practicing daily life as if the 8-week miracle diet already worked and I’m exactly who I’ve always wished to become.

It’s weird. But it’s so cool. Who am I now and who do I think I will be after fat camp?

Who I am now (this is what I may have thought before, but I don’t think it anymore): I’m a mess, I’m in progress, I’m a caterpillar, I’m a “before” picture, I’m not worth it.

Who I will be after fat camp: I like the way I look, I dress up when I feel like it, I take excellent care of myself mentally, emotionally and physically, I wear cute clothes and the world is mine.

So here’s the believe ability part. I’ve decided to just skip fat camp, not wait, and believe that I am already who I will become in the future. If I take excellent care of myself and believe I’m worth it, it’s so much easier to take that walk, put down the cookie, dress up and look cute. I’m not pretending to be worth it, I really am worth it. I believe that I’m all the things I dream of being once I shed the Christmas chub. I’m all those things right now.

Which makes joining the Extreme Fit and Forty club great but not loaded with all this baggage of identity and self-worth and happiness. I can be a chunky monkey and feel awesome. I can also be a triathlete and feel awesome. My awesomeness doesn’t hang on the miracle diet anymore and so now I’m free to just be awesome no matter what and chase after my dreams. If I choose the fat camp route, it just means I can chase them at a quicker pace without getting winded so quickly and, since I’m interested in the work, then maybe the calorie counting might help me become better focused and more energized for the really important stuff of fully inhabiting the calling God has given me.

And now I know all the bots are reading my thoughts and I’ll be flooded with incredible deals on early fat camp registrations. I’ll look into them all after me and my apple watch go for a run (I don’t have an apple watch).

P.S.. This is mostly a songwriting, creative blog. But ya know, ‘tis the season. Also, Friday is my house concert and I’m really excited so now I’m working on editing my last song. Yay!

The Best Christmas Ever or Struggle doesn't live here anymore

If you’ve been reading this blog through the fall and into winter you might remember that I’ve been doing thought work and heart work and songwriter work and mom work and wife work, but mostly thought work.

One of the things I discovered during my coaching class was that I really love struggle and I really love things that are the opposite of easy or loving or comfortable. For example:

“Oh, it’s my birthday!”

Cue thought cycle that goes like this: “It’s my birthday, I’m old, women aren’t supposed to be old and if they’re old they’re supposed to be super fit and that’s not what’s going on here. It’s a special occasion, I’m allergic to special occasions, I’m the opposite of special, know what I should do? I should have a reckoning as to why I’ve been bad at life for 41 years, I’ll go apologize to my family for sucking it up so bad, fake smile at the cake, blow out the candle. Congratulations, I’ve ruined it for everyone. See? I told you I ruin stuff.”

Pretty bad, right? Now imagine that same thought pattern for things like EVERYTHING.

The coaching class really helped me articulate what kind of sicko habits I had created for myself. And humans love habits. So much. We love following a script- even the bad ones because it doesn’t take much brain power and effort. (Cue plug for a great read: Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit )

I decided I don’t do struggle anymore. I’m not into it and it’s not fun. It’s just a habit I got used to and I don’t want that habit anymore. What do I love about this change? It’s got nothing to do with my identity, nothing to do with my family of origin, nothing to do with anything. It’s just something I got used to and now I’m going to leave it alone.

That’s why this is year is going to be the Best Christmas Ever!

Now, don’t get me wrong. Struggle and sadness are lurking around everything. They get me in the dark and try to woo me back to their team. Sadness and depression won’t leave me, I know, but they won’t be helped along anymore with habits that play in their favor. I can be sad and that’s it. I don’t have to be sad and add a whole list of crap past and present to my sadness to turn it into something bigger and more definitive. So struggle shows up, I fall for it, but then I say:

“Hope, you’re fine. There’s no conflict, this is struggle, remember? And you decided you don’t do that shit anymore.”

And then I remember and I take a few deep breaths and I see what I’m doing and try to let go. But my brain loves this habit so letting go doesn’t feel easy. It’s hard. Thoughts are addictive. I want the hit. I got used to misery and so I crave it. So my thought work is letting go of that thought and picking up a new one. This new one is about the loveliness and ease of everything. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

What does the best Christmas ever look like? It looks so easy. I had a good time organizing the youth candlelight service. Most years I’m freaking out and miserable. Not this year. I sat there in the pew and smiled the whole time all those wonderful high schoolers gave their gifts and talents to the service. It was beautiful and I got to be there for it.

I’ve had a good time getting the Sunday School Christmas Eve program together. Most years I lose sleep stressing out over my failings and weaknesses and worried I’m doing more harm than good with my sloppy ways because lining up kids has never been my strength. But this year I’ve loved it. It’s been easy. It’s been a pleasure.

Last night we went to the staff Christmas party and I had so much fun. Today I’m thinking the Dunbars are going to put together an impromptu carolling party for anyone who wants to carol. Trust me, I NEVER would have EVER done that in the past. I still am bad at shopping and gift-giving. That part is still hard, but it’s not struggle.

Wanting Struggle gone from my thoughts was a revelation. Practicing the actual work of identifying it everywhere and getting it gone is harder, but it’s happening and I’m so thankful.

BOTTOM LINE: Life is so much better when you don’t have to try so hard. Life is so much better when you’re not getting graded on everything.

Because you wanna know what? We’re not being graded on any of this. That’s good news. That’s the kind of news that actually reveals how deep our wells are, how strong our arms, how big our hearts so we can go ahead and be us. For me, that’s having the best Christmas Ever.

I hope you have the best Christmas ever as well and I hope it turns into your best year ever after that.

I’m having a song party house concert at my house next Friday to celebrate friendship and songs. Struggle makes me want to worry that no one will come and that it’s a stupid idea. But I want to have a party, I want to celebrate this work so that’s what we’ll do no matter what. I’ll clean the basement, get some beer and sing the songs and it’ll be the best party ever. You should totally come. It’s gonna be awesome.

"Listen to your heart" or "One song to go and goals"

I have one more song to write from the list of comissions I started back in June of 2017. When I first offered this kickstarter reward I believe I said your song would be ready by October of 2017….and fourteen short months after that FIRST deadline, this Sunday is my last deadline. And now I know.

So far we’ve got:

Iowa Wedding Song- based on the true story of a family brawl at a wedding and the subsequent banning of said family from a small town in Iowa forever.

That’s What Love Does- a love song about how love just makes things happen in a lovely, gentle, astonishing type of way

Still the Birds- a song about friendship rooted in music and Texas

My darling dear- An Irish-sounding love song about two lovers separated but to be united again in the future

How Beautiful the Tall Oak Tree- about steadiness and love and dreaming all at the same time

The Story of Us- College friends staying friends forever

You let the LIght in- How a friend can remind us of God’s love and assurance even when we can’t see it ourselves

Don’t Give up- about the dreams we have feeling far off, but that we don’t give up (also, the really big hill between the Hochschule and the S-Bahn stop in Oberursel and how it’s no fun to walk up at the end of the day)

Textbook- the twists and turns of life can bring us from reaching for the stars to changing diapers and raising babies

The house across the street- how we can help each other even in the midst fighting off our own darkness

So is my love for you- (Just completed yesterday) Love song in a minor key for a folk trio I know

***The Untitled Last One***- About my family and yet to be written.????????

The last song is dedicated to my mom, dad and brothers. It’s the hardest one to write. In desperation I’ve even gone to setting the timer and free writing. Heck, I got up early this morning to do morning pages (which actually yielded some stuff so that’s good) and starting forging a path through the confusion. Morning pages. Also, some friends and I are reading and working The Artist’s Way so, full disclosure, I’m supposed to be doing morning pages every day. OK, so day 1 of Morning Pages: DONE.

Now just write the song. Just write it. Just write a bad one, then another one, then don’t worry about it, write something else and then you’ll get it. You’ll get it if you stop thinking about it and start writing stuff down. Stop worrying about the outcome and start the journey.

Oh that sounds good. Stop worrying about the outcome and start the journey. Well, OK.

It’s hard not looking right and left and in front and behind you. It’s hard to remember your goals are different than other peoples goals. It’s good to remember that our purpose in life is ours and unique to us. The work we’ve been given will almost never match up to the work given our neighbors. As it should be. My goals these days are finishing these songs, hosting a house concert, and singing them online. No new record just yet, no crowdfunding, no slick new music video. Just me in my basement doing my thing.

Perhaps you are in your basement doing your own thing. I celebrate it. Keep it up. In the words of that Swedish pop band with that early 90s hit, “Listen to your heart.”

And finally, here at the Home Office, these 12 lucky souls got in at a bargain BASEMENT price (see what I did there?). I’ll start taking new comissions in January if you’re interested starting at $500.

Coming up: Stay tuned for my next blog which is probably gonna be about Cory Branan or Darrell Scott or both.

Is it possible to overshare at the Assisted Living Christmas Party?

The answer is no. You cannot overshare at the Assisted Living Christmas Party.

I sang songs, had a nice cup of hot cider, chatted with Lois before the gig, and then basically told them about my recent road trip to Chicago and how I embarrassed myself forever and for always at a moment when I was supposed to try and act cool and professional.

It didn’t work that way.

I told the Assisted Living folks, along with their families and the head of nursing who was helping pour ciders and coffees and cranberry punch about how I was glad they asked me back again this year because I remember really botching Jingle Bells last year and hoped to redeem myself. You see, last year I was feeling confident and bold and thought I knew all the words to “Jingle Bells” no problem until, halfway through the second verse, I got a tad bit lost, looked to the audience for a lifeline, no one was totally sure either and that’s how I killed a Christmas classic in 2017.

THIS YEAR I nailed it. Thanks, Songbook! Me and my trusty songbook and prepared set list really made for a better gig. So did the Candyland-themed decorations and hot cider so, some time after “I saw Three Ships” and before “Silent NIght” I decided to tell them about my deep appreciation for a certain songwriter, my decision to drive to Chicago for the show because that’s as close as he ever comes to my neck of the woods, what I would call “appropriate” online admiration for his work and then the subsequent real life interaction that had me walking into the cold Chicago night air with a huge neon sign flashing over my head reading, “SHE IS A TOTAL LOSER.”

Yes, I told the residents about drinking a shot of whiskey and a PBR tallboy at the bar after the set. Yes, I told Bob and Bob’s grandddaughter (who was holding Bob’s tiny 5 week old great-granddaughter in her arms) about hoping to get out of the venue unseen and then how that didn’t happen and, instead, I told Lois and everyone else there about meeting this incredible songwriter, about not knowing what to say and having my previous internet admiration make me feel like a grade ‘A’ fool (for you guys I’d say “asshole”, but I’d never say that to them, my elders).

So there I was, standing with my guitar in the middle of the Lollipop Woods decorated Rec. room, trying to explain how I wanted to be cool but just wasn’t.

About how I drove home the next day shaking my head not knowing whether it was funny or humiliating or both when one of your heroes (who you’d hoped might be a colleague) remembers you commenting on internet stuff so much that he says, “Are you Hope?”. And then I sang “Jolly Old St. Nicholas” and we had a good laugh about the miraculous nature of Sunday School Christmas Eve programs.

It was actually a really good gig. I loved it. And at the end, Judy, the Social Coordinator who booked me, said they all agreed I was cool and that made me feel as warm and cozy and the well-heated room.

So dear friends, I’m a doughy semi-sad midwestern mother of three in a tea length skirt who sometimes wears makeup but mostly not. As much as I’d like to be that cool songwriter in a dark bar who doesn’t give a shit and where it’s SRO and everyone is wearing black, that’ll never match up with what I’ve been called up to do. I promise to not be an idiot on the internet (but no I don’t) anymore and if my best effort at punk rock is writing songs about it and oversharing at the Assisted Living Christmas party gig, then so be it.

Go be amazing. Screw up royally like me and tell your friends about it, write songs about it and then go do it again. I love you.

Dolphins and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders or "the best year ever"

2018 may have been the best year ever. Heck, on New Year’s Day 2018 we were playing on the beach in Newport Beach and saw a pod of dolphins swim past! I played some great shows solo and with my band, Star Belle, went on tour with two of my closest friends Emily White and Katie Dahl, Emily Dunbar and I released our first Bluestem Psalter collection of Liturgical Americana, went on a roadtrip with my family through St. Louis, Nashville, Arkansas then Kerrville, played the New Folk contest, stayed for the song school, laughed and laughed with my fellow New Folkers, drove there and back to New York City, went to the Netherlands and Germany with my son, Sammy, and played some of the BEST SHOWS OF MY LIFE SO FAR, was invited to join Catalyst 19 to discover my Next Best Self, joined up with a Life Coaching class that has blown my mind, quit my job and committed to full-time music.

That’s not too shabby and I’m probably leaving some stuff out that I can’t remember.

That was a pretty kickass year. All the while betwixt and between that cool stuff, I was falling into potholes and forgetting how to climb out, sinking in worry and self-doubt and making life harder than it should be. I did amazing life-changing things then turned around and forgot all about them and felt sorry for myself that this thing called music just “wasn’t working.”

Because I HEART STRUGGLE.

Can I make it harder? Then I will. Can I turn fun into a bummer? You betcha. Can I worry my way into convincing myself I suck? Oh, I’m so good at that.

And knowing is half the battle, you guys. It totally is.

Turns out, 2019 is going to be the best year ever. No question. THE BEST YEAR EVER. But, Hope, you say, “You saw a pod of dolphins swimming in the ocean last year on Jan.1. You cannot possibly repeat that kind of nature-y fireworks in 2019.”

Maybe. I wonder who the dolphins told after they saw me playing catch on the beach last year. Did they tell the sea lions who told the fisherman who told the airline hostess who told the pilot who had a stopover in Lincoln who told the barkeep at The Zoo Bar, who told my friend, Mike who then told the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to come to my house and surprise me on January 1, 2019? Maybe. May. Be.

All I know is that my mom would never buy that spray detangler stuff my other 2nd grade friends had their moms spray in their hair to make brushing endurable which is why, to this day, I rarely if ever brush my hair.

If there were an over-the-counter struggle detangler that, with a few spritzes helped release the death grip I have on struggle, then I’d totally buy all of it. Before that day comes when I find it hiding in plain sight in a CVS, I’m going to practice saying YES to myself more and taking the power away from struggle bit by bit.

Tomorrow I’m driving 8 hours to go see Cory Branan play a set in Chicago. Because he’s one my most favorite songwriters these days and, to me, he is fearless and strong and angry and humble and thoughtful and vulnerable all at the same time. It’s inspiring. It makes me want to write better and try to do what he does but from my point of view.

A roadtrip to a show is crazy, but it’s just what I need to let go of struggle and embrace the freedom of the right now and the joy that’s out there for the taking. Just like putting out the good china on a Tuesday, making homemade invitations for an upcoming house concert, applying makeup and earrings even when I’m working from home, creating a workspace I love because I’m worth it. All that shit. Goodbye struggle, in whatever form you take. I might stay home and never see a dolphin or a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader for the entire 2019, but that won’t take away from its greatness. I’m going to be taking care of myself and being kind to myself.

And that’s why it’ll be the best year ever. I hope you are gearing up for the same. Peace.

Happy Thanksgiving from the home office

The pies are in the oven to the tune of Patty Griffin’s 1000 Kisses. The timer is set and I’m at the kitchen table having that second cup of coffee still in my bathrobe and slippers (you know what I’m talking about).

I’ve moved on to Cory Branan’s “12 Songs” and listening for the first time only to discover he has a song called “Sweet Janine” and it makes me think everything’s coming up Dunbar.

And as I reduce the oven temp from 425 down to 350 for the last 45 minutes of baking time, I’m reminded of how many things I have that inspire me to thank our good good Father up in Heaven and thank you, the hands and feet and hearts doing the work of our creator here on earth.

Last weekend I sat in a house I’ve never been to before and ten people gathered around to listen to songs they had mostly never heard before. We laughed, we cried, we talked about country music and ate incredible snacks and we hugged goodbye and left as friends. It felt like magic, like healing, like respite, like we were exactly where we were supposed to be even though we didn’t know it until we got there.

And then you know what? I went to a wine bar the next night to another group of friends and it happened all over again. Right then, right there, when the roads were bad and the night was dark and our team had won and we laughed and cried and told stories and we found ourselves right where we were meant to be.

And so thank you. For all the magic I’ve found like Carol Burnett opening up gag peanut brittle so that poofy snakes leap out. For me it’s opening the can to find love and peace and joy and laughter with you guys. On the Facebook, Milwaukee, St. Louis. Kerrville, TX, Grand Rapids, Chicago, Madison, Denver, Hastings, Norton, KS, Kansas City, Lincoln, Omaha, Hastings, Door County, Seward, the O.C., Song School, Oberursel, Frankfurt, Hermannsburg, Verden, Nashville, and McCool Junction- and those are just the places I can think of off the top of my head.

It gets dark over here sometimes, like the light can’t shine through. But then it does and you show up and you let me sing you songs you’ve never heard before and you ask me about them and you tell me they helped you and you encourage me to keep going and so I do.

When I went in to record my last record I wrote a big long list of your names on a piece of notebook paper and I stuck it in my guitar case and it’s still in there a year and half later. I took you with me to the studio and then I’ve taken you with me to all those other places too. When it gets dark over here, sometimes I’ll see that folded up piece of paper with your name on it and it’s like one little birthday candle lit on a birthday cake. A little light in the dark. Then that one candle sparks another, then another and then I remember what I’m doing and the remembering feels real good.

This thing I’m writing? I wrote it for you. I write it, then I sing it, then I muse, “I can’t wait to sing it for him. I wonder what she’ll think. Gosh, I hope they like it.”

Happy Thanksgiving from the home office. All of us at Hope Dunbar Music (it’s just me, you guys) want to say thank you for all you’ve done. We (I) couldn’t do what We (I) do without you guys. Lots of love.

Songwriting, a vision board and what I want life to look like

My vision board: 1. Won’t be this big, and 2. Won’t consist of original art but you get the idea.

Songwriting. Four songs. I’ve been writing and thinking and noodling and writing and thinking and noodling. In the past two days I think I’ve filled at least 8 pages with mostly crap, but I’m writing and thinking and noodling.

Last night I thought I had made a breakthrough. I found something that felt exciting, I found words that felt good to sing, I found a place that had some enegy. The question now is: how will it feel when I pick it back up this morning?

Four songs. I’ve got to finish writing four songs for two shows I already put on the calendar. You want to finish something? Set the date, make the move, feet to the fire, pen to paper and get to it.

A vision board. AKA Pinterest. According to my Pinterest I love A-Frame cabins, glamping, Bruce Springsteen, patios, the Ketogenic diet (no I don’t), Boho Living rooms and hanging plants. That’s mostly what my pinterest is. It used to have clothes and cute hairstyles, but anymore it’s rustic kitchens, funky wallpaper and dream tattoos. So now I’m going to try and translate that into a real collage type deal with glue and scissors and a poster board to help remind myself about the things I love, the things I think are beautiful and wish to have in my world. The last time I did that I was working a temp job in St. Louis and needed something to pass the time.

And finally, what do I want my life to look like?

What do you want your life to look like?

How many of us have been working from the place of, “That’s out of my control.” for years and years and years? But what if it’s not? What if you want more candles and hanging plants in your life because it reminds you of those Boho Living rooms on Pinterest? What if you want an outdoor rug and some tiki torches to make glamping feel like it’s right in your backyard? What if you want that funky wallpaper so you decide your next project is a tour of junk shops and antique stores to find it? What if you decided you were allowed to dedicate parts of every Saturday working on a vision board of beautiful things just because it feels light and fun and relaxing?

Because you know what is within your control? It is within your control to invite lightness and fun into your world no matter how small. Doodling before bed. Writing a quick note to hide in your kid’s lunch to make them smile, coloring, praying, breathing, moving- not for any other reason but that we’re craving it.

What are you craving? What might let the dam break? What is that little tiny fun, happy, peaceful move you make that shifts the foundation, that wakes you up just a bit to how gospel joy can take up bigger space in your world so you begin to see the next fun thing, the next little moment you can claim to say, “I’m here, I love this. This makes me happy. Turning my world into a beautiful thing is joyfully freeing “?

So today I’m writing and thinking and noodling. I’m dreaming of things I love. I’m looking around and openly declaring what I would love this place to feel like. I wonder if I let this place (my non-boho home and not so rustic kitchen without a patio or an A-Frame) turn into my dream home how that would make my work richer? How would that set me on fire? Everyone’s different, but for me? Oh it would open flood gates, I think.

For now, consider that one tiny light happy possibility you could let yourself enjoy. Then do it. Then dare yourself to try for the next one.

The stories we tell ourselves

This picture makes dribbling a basketball timeless. This picture makes me think kids have been dribbling Dick’s Sporting Goods basketballs in the streets of Italy for centuries and it makes me smile to know how classic and timeless our YMCA winter intramural sports leagues really were. And then I remember how, after the Saturday afternoon game, all the families would set up tables and bring out their wicker picnic baskets full of tablecloths and real china and chianti and we’d all share a meal in the middle of the court- kinda like “Under the Tuscan Sun” meets “The Bad News Bears.” In sweatpants.

No. None of that is real.

Oh the stories we tell ourselves. Oh the stories we live over and over again. Oh the stories that are shackling us to some identity that isn’t fixed or real or tattooed on our bodies and yet we live as though it were. My story is half light and half dark just like everyone’s. My story is about a creative girl who wants to be a helper and be liked by people and do her best, to extend grace and tell jokes and have fun and go on adventures. And other light stuff too that doesn’t come to mind right now.

That’s the light part of my story.

The dark part of my story is that she tells herself that the raw material of her personality is careless, over-dramatic, unstable, selfish and impulsive so she has to check herself over and over again to remember how offensive and offending she can be when she tries to “just be herself.” She is addicted to stressful emotions and she’s addicted to sad emotions where she tells herself over and over again she’s only permitted to strive this much and any time she strives for more, something happens to remind her she overstepped and that she needs to back up and apologize.

But what if none of that were true either?

What if I remembered that thoughts and feelings aren’t really me? What if thoughts and feelings aren’t any of us? They’re just things hanging around that we got used to along the way and turned into habits because humans love habits?

I like the light parts of my story. I say the dark parts of my story are just the hand I’ve been dealt.

And that sounds like loser talk. For those of you in education, you might see how personality traits and emotional patterns can be easily defined within a “fixed mindset.” And we know that in 2018 it’s all about the growth mindset. We aren’t products coming down an assembly line and boom. That’s all you’ll ever be. No. We are working to shape and transform ourselves step by step, day by day with more knowledge, more compassion, more patience to become the people God has called us to be.

Nothing’s fixed. Especially not our addictions to freaking lame-o emotions. They’re not real. They’re just habits. Time to create some new ones. What do you want to feel? What do you want to do? What, besides your own brain, is keeping you from doing it? What’s the story you’d love to tell your kids? Remember: where the story starts doesn’t have to be where to story ends.

It reminds of that time, growing up in Tuscany, when my great grandmother sold her great grandmother’s broach passed down through the generations from the Medicis (her ancestors) just so she could ride her donkey all the way down to that corner shop. What was it called? Oh yes. Dick’s Sporting Goods just so me and my little brother could feel the faux leather goodness of an Italian basketball in our hands as the sun dipped in the late summer sky.

Pick up your pen. Write your story. Look in the mirror. See the possibilities more than the problems. That’s what I’m going to do over here. Ciao, bella!

No need to apologize

If there’s one thing I’m pretty good at, it’s digging deep, looking in the mirror and finding a way to remember how badly I’ve messed up in big and small ways.

There has rarely been an occasion where I didn’t think I needed to apologize.

There have been times, however, when I do examine my heart and realize my conscience is clear and that I didn’t actually do anything wrong. That’s a thing too.

My initial impulse this morning was to set out a huge laundry list of apologies to try and cover all my bases. My initial impulse is like back when I was 15 and I got caught ditching class. Surprisingly, I was just fine with Saturday school and in-house detention. That was not a problem for me. Taking punishment feels pretty reasonable. And then it made ditching school much easier after that.

But no. I’m not going to follow my apologies addiction this time.

Why? Because we should all have lived long enough by now to know we’re all struggling with our short comings and sinfulness all the time. We should all know by now that there’s no truth in the instagram filters (my face looks old, you guys, my doughy figure is doughy, you guys because I eat bread).

We should all know that we are all just trying to get by. That our demons are all not the same, that they take many forms, that we look in the mirror and our eyes go to the places we wished were perfect and aren’t. The bills, the loss, the schedule, the meal planner, the steps logged, the phone calls answered and unanswered, the parents, the children, the silence, the unchecked words, the prayers and the lack thereof. It’s all there for all of us. And the holes. The big deep dark holes are there too just waiting to swallow us up.

But for some reason we think it’s just us. It’s just us who barely have our heads above water. It’s just us that feel so alone.

RUBISH. That’s actually a really old trick the devil loves to use. The minute we think it’s just and no one else who is having a hard time is the minue we become so alienated and far off that it gets hard to get helped back up. He hates us. He loves it when we think the world hates us.

So no apologies today. As though you might think I walk around here believing myself to be my own type of autonomous righteousness. I don’t think anything of the sort. I know you know how hard it feels. I know you know how the world can go from light to dark and back to light again in an instant. I know you know we take turns laughing and crying and fighting and resting and trying and healing and breaking. We’re all doing it all the time.

So instead of an apology for my failures and faults, I’m extending a hand of connection. It’s better than getting detention and having to stay in my corner until the timer goes off. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got lots of failings and weaknesses. That’s for sure. But also, I don’t want those failings to keep me from you, my friend. I would hate to think your’s are keeping you from me. Lots of love,

Hope

I feel foolish when I think about what it looks like

The practice of working from a place of abundance is a rollercoaster of a journey. Some days are great and feel like everything’s coming up Dunbar, and some days not so much like walking on broken glass (now go listen to that Annie Lennox song- she’s so good!!! How could you have forgotten how good she is??!!!).

OK now that you’re back, walking on broken glass (HIT REPEAT) isn’t really what it’s like. It’s more like a rickety suspension bridge over a canyon like I’ve never actually seen in real life, but they’re really everywhere in adventure movies.

Since we last spoke, I’ve put in my notice at work. I’m doing it. Again. Quitting the cafe for music. This time with a much better idea of how it’s going to work and what I’m planning to do. However, the shaky days loom large where I get real scared even after listening to a podcast of testimonials by women entrepeneurs who went out on their own. There are women out there doing amazing things and inspiring so many with their bravery! Wow!

So I had to go back into my own journal to find the braver me to give me a pep talk. Here’s what I found:

“The choices I make might look different from the choices of those around me, but I know them to be the right choices for me and I like them”

Wow, Brave Hope, that is so great to remember! I get scared when I obsess over what it looks like from someone else’s point of view. I get real crazy wondering what everyone else is thinking. Why would you quit your job for nothing? Why wouldn’t you just keep working and do the music when you can?

BUT, then I remember I like these choices. They aren’t a punishment, they are actually things I’m craving and know for certain will make me feel fulfilled and fully me like the girl God wanted me to be this whole time, then I get energized and inspired and fearless. Hmmm, interesting.

Here are my new hold outs. Like, do these things and you’ll really stake a claim to this new thing you’re trying to create:

-The practice of clearing out a space in my house that will become my new creative space. But first, it means getting rid of the clutter that presently fills the space. It means practicing the nuts and bolts of newness by symbolically carving out a blank canvas in the midst of my present landscape. (I’m avoiding it. I know it will feel good. I know it feels like a bridge too far. I know I can do it. I should do it. I have all these thoughts at the same time.)

-Procrastination is not self-care. Oh dude. Let that sink in. Me watching “She’s out of my League” for the third time in one week is not helping me in any way. In fact, it’s hurting me. Putting off work and to do items, for me, raises my stress level, creates more unrest and distress. So why do I keep doing it? Like clearing out a space in my universe, this nook needs remodeled too. Oh brother.

-THis work is all over the place. How do I get it together and organized? If you’re doing everything, how do you prioritize anything? The music. I know it’s obvious, but it quickly becomes unclear. The music is the priority. The songwriting is king. Do that first, then do the other stuff. I need a work calendar or a time management tool or an egg timer or something.

Finally, I looked up the meaning of The Fool in Shakespeare plays. I found a blog that didn’t ask much of my intellect. I wrote down the things the fools did in a few different plays as encouragement for why the fool is the necessary:

he can see through characters//he is an observer of human nature and contributes a better understanding of the characters//the fool comments on events and points out the truth which is either missed or ignored//

And those things sounds like good things to me. So if I’m worried about being the fool maybe it’s because I haven’t been thinking about how the fool is needed in this world. Maybe instead of fighting the label, I just embrace it. OK, now what are the bridges too scary to cross for you? What are the risks that feel too risky, but your bravest self thinks that maybe just maybe you might be able to do it? Think on that. Peace.

Stars and dot stickers

This week I cried at an article about a cross country runner from a little neighboring town, McCool Junction. I shared it on Facebook and my friend and fellow songwriter, Ken Hall, suggested there was good vittles in there for a song. He was right and I was itching to write something anyway so I wrote the song based on the article. You can read it here:

https://www.nebraskaelitetc.org/single-post/2018/10/07/NoahLambrecht?fbclid=IwAR1Fo8KoDbBc_JkuC-_GYonUJDVLCLudpDsc-7U12VEU2T4g1rNAHwisrjY

And now it’s been viewed over 5,000 times- way more than my earlier biggest hit, “I Write.” Pretty cool. It goes to show that you never know what’s going to strike a chord or resonate with people. You never know what people’s hearts are craving and it reminded me to keep showing up, write what you feel called to write, be the biggest brightest version of yourself as you can be and God will put you where he needs you.

Then, another songwriting friend, Andrew Dunn, joined in and together we’re working on cleaning up the first draft and making the song even better. That feels like a surprise blessing and, to have a co-worker equally invested in the song to make it the best it can be, is energizing and super cool. I should find co-workers more often.

Then I drove to Omaha with some girlfriends, first through the drive thru and then to the valet parking we accidentally bought with our Jen Hatmaker event tickets and now I never want to park by myself like a sucker ever again.

It was an evening of laughter and reflection and beautiful music and unexpected love that I’m so thankful for.

God will show you beautiful things and loving people and generous hearts even while hurricanes and tsunamis destroy coastlines and legacies. Even while fighting and division declare whose with us and whose against us and more and more we’re tempted to believe it.

There’s this book by Max Lucado called, “You are Special” and it tells the story of the Wemmicks, wooden people carved by the maker and how they spend all their day sticking stars and black dots on each other. Stars and dots, stars and dots all day long like it’s their duty to stamp “good” or “bad” on everything they see as if the maker himself didn’t know one way or the other.

One particularly sad Wemmick covered in black dots meets a fellow wooden creature with nothing on her at all. She’s free of the good stars and the bad black dots. Asking her how she did it she answers the sad Wemmick by saying, “Once you get to know the maker the stars and dots don’t stick.”

That story makes me cry every time. To the point that when I read it at bedtime, my boys always couldn’t understand why mama was crying at the end every time (Just like “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever”).

You know why the cross country runner is so inspiring? Because the stars and dots don’t stick on him and it’s magical. Same for the writer of the article, Jay Slagle- he was just writing with his heart the story he wanted to tell. You know why I feel thankful for writing that song? Because I wrote it at a moment when the stars and dots were the furthest thing from my mind. That’s when the magic happens. When we look past the grading scale, the paycheck, and the appearances and we do it anyway like we’ve got the audacity to believe we can act in the freedom of a love poured out to us by a our maker who knows exactly what he’s doing.

That’s cool. Now go throw away those stars and dots and go be awesome.

On a scale from one to Trump it was a 1.5

A close friend of mine got into a twitter fight yesterday. I’ve never known anyone to get into a twitter fight before (and on a scale from one to Trump this was like a 1.5 on the Twitter richter scale). I’ve watched them, but never had a horse in the race. Yesterday I was cheering on my friend arguing with a stranger. It’s a weird world we live in. Suffice it to say, things are tough everywhere and life is hard even if you do have a steady paycheck and thousands of twitter followers. They can’t follow you all the time, ya know?

On a scale from one to Trump, my yesterday started at a peaceful “green means go” type of level but then ramped up to the emotional equivalent of that time suburban college kids were camping in tents on government property to prove a point about the one percent (if my shoddy 6am Friday brain serves me right). Kind of serious, but still from a place of great privilege. Like a four, maybe. Because when you’re working through your outlook on money with your therapist, you know things are going pretty well overall.

The thing is that at the beginning of the day I was really in a good head space where I was practicing wholeness, I was allowing myself to give myself complements and remember that I don’t suck at everything, that I’m kind of OK maybe on some things and trying to rest in my imperfect but beloved personhood. This is new for me. Green and peaceful like Psalm 23. A new place of existing where I tell myself I don’t have to try so hard or worry so much. I can just walk through the world like I’m allowed to take up some space.

But then, oh then my own stupid brain starting freaking out like, “Hang on. We didn’t vote for this. We voted for power in the form of worthlessness as stated in our mental and emotional constitution! Get her out of here. Someone get her out of here.” And then the rest of my brain starts shouting, “Lock her up! Lock her up!”

So my whole self got a little scared yesterday. My whole, complete, resting self ran and hid and I was left with my “you should make yourself small and worry that no one loves you unless you keep your mouth shut” self who promptly took over and by the time it was lights out, I was confused and lost. Like a waitress getting a text alert from the federal government on her cell phone in the middle of the lunch rush.

I’m joking and telling the truth at the same time mostly.

So it’s a new day. Post twitter war, post Kavanaugh, post crisis of confidence and it’s Friday. I’m back to practicing my New Adam identity with lists of things I have completed and people who are cheering for me to help me stay focused and encouraged. On a scale of one to Trump I’m like at a Hope Dunbar- kinda crazy, bad at twitter, but resting in the grace of our God. HIgh five.

It feels good to write a song just because it makes you happy

Sam, Jesse and I went to see Dawes in Lincoln last Tuesday. It was awesome.

It feels good to write a song just because it makes you happy. It’s funny to think about how creating something that serve no other purpose than to remember when you were fascinated by a movie poster of a movie you have no intention of seeing.

I reflected to my husband the other day that it feels good to be alive on the days when I feel like I don’t have to try so hard. Those days when you give yourself a break and not fret over what’s not getting done or what you’ve still got on your plate that needs your attention before the sun goes down. I’d love to find that place where I live somewhere in between the responsibility and the freedom of just being. I know it’s out there because there are days when I feel it. The problem is that is can feel so foreign on the days when I’m weighed down by all my shortcomings and imperfections.

So I wrote this dumb song about a dumb movie poster. And I recorded and posted it on Facebook because it’s part of my method. For me, it’s an act of raising my hand and saying, “Here!” I looked back on the video and I have bedhead and an ugly/tired looking face, but that’s part of it. I post it for roll call even when I think I look bad. That’s the point. It’s to say, “I’m allowed to be here even when I’m not presentable.” It’s an act of wholeness.

Wholeness. The idea that there’s nothing I can add to my worth or take away from my worth no matter what my days look like, no matter how I look at myself or how the world looks at me. Not goodness, but wholeness.

I wrestle with it all the time, but I want to lean into it more as I move forward. I want to lean into the freedom I have of realizing who I am completely without a grade from someone else, or a grade from myself. Just be me.

Jesse turned 13. I think a “Let’s Party” hat would help center me in wholeness every day. I should borrow it from him.

I know people around me who are really good at it. I see them and admire them and wonder at their freedom. I’d like to try and practice it too.

So I wrote a dumb song and posted it on social media because I’m allowed to. I probably should’ve gone on a run, but instead, I dinked around on a guitar. Now what are you putting off and trading in favor of some chore you think is better or more worthy?

There’s a balance between responsibility and freedom. It’s somewhere out there. We can find it together and shine more brightly when we do. Have a great week!

Banana Moon/ Where my girls at?

I like this song even though it seems to be objectifying a loved one and threatening reliatory behavior against a suspected admirer of the protagonist’s boyfriend/husband. It’s probably her husband because it sounds like she really means it.

But it’s a good jam and I like the firebird dancers.

I closed my eyes earlier this week to practice checking in with myself. I’ve never done this before. In week two of my online coaching class, we’re focusing on the mental/emotional game and we might as well be playing Monopoly in the summer time with my older brother and I’m eight because I suck at this.

When I checked in I realized my head felt fuzzy, the area around my heart felt cagey and my right hand was tingling. Then, we were asked to close our eyes and find the feeling/circumstance you’re most afraid of, conjure it up, get riled up with the intent of putting your feelings under a microscope asking, “Why do I feel like this? Where does this come from? What’s really going on here?”

And you know what I discovered? I’m not afraid of rejection or humiliation or abandonment. Turns out I’m afraid of happiness, contentment and love.

What a loser.

Cuz here’s the thing: How can I realize a dream that makes me happy if I don’t believe in happy?

See, I believe in micro-happiness, just not macro-happiness. I love exact change, peanut butter sandwiches, hot tubs, coffee and flip flops. But if you asked me if I was happy. I’d get really non-committal with my answer. I believe in acts of love and kindness, just not across the board, for sure love no matter what kind of love.

This isn’t exactly news. It’s just zeroing in on an articulation of how I live better than I have before.

When you realize you have to rewrite your whole life’s script it can feel a little scary. When you realize that the only way to get to where you want to go means scooping out the bad stuff like the guts from a pumpkin, your initial response is to run back into your cave, throw up and hide under a blanket.

So where my girls at? I could use your help. I don’t want to get together to go beat up someone flirting with my husband. I’d just like to get together to encourage one another and help each other work through the hard stuff. This feels like hard stuff. Sometimes the to do list feels like the only thing there is, but then there comes a moment when you follow the problems with your to do list all the way back to your head and your heart and it turns out your fight isn’t against your mailing list at all. It’s against your own brain. Well, you’re not alone. And we can do it together, I hope. Now play the song, dance in your kitchen, and stay cool forever.

Music Money

FACT: I don’t have a great relationship with money. I never have.

FACT: Folk music is half feelings and half joking about how there’s no money anywhere for anyone and you might as well get used to it. Or quit. Just quit because money’s never going to be part of the deal.

FACT: This past week I’ve been doing a lot of internal work regarding purpose, dreams, self-talk and how I want to fashion plate out my next best self and it finally dawned on me that me and Money have some work to do.

Money and I have to call a truce. We have to start working together instead of distrusting one another. We have to walk over to Music and say, “Hey man, I think there’s a way we can all go into business together and not lose sight of the real goal.”

AND CUE ALL THE THINGS WE SAY ABOUT ART AND MONEY TO THROW US OFF COURSE:

“ Keeping a day job is how you free up the music to just be what it wants to be instead of adding the pressure of a paycheck on top of songwriting because songwriting has enough problems and pressures to begin with.”

“It can’t be about the money. Simply because there isn’t any. Get used to it. If you feel like a beggar then you know it’s working. Join the club, sweetheart.”

“Getting paid feels great. Every once in a while you’ll get that feeling. Most of the time, it’s catch as catch can.”

“The new model doesn’t value art. The 21st century isn’t interested in paying for your work. I don’t care how long it took you to write that song. People pay for coffee and netflix and sports. No one pays for art.”

BUT MY PINK FASHION PLATE GIRL DOESN’T WAIT TABLES ANYMORE

If all I ever do is resent my day job and wish like heck I could just be a musician, if my real dream is being a full time singer/songwriter, then step one feels like throwing the beggar out the window, and rethinking how I see money.

And that’s coming clear for the very first time. So clear and so great.

Why? Because it feels like something I can actually do. I can’t, of my own strength, get bigger artists to book me as their opener (if you know how to strongarm the cool kids into letting you sing while people get to their seats, let me know), but I can look at the numbers, see how they need to play out and start making a plan to do business just like if I were a hair dresser or a mechanic or a waitress.

We joke about the lack of money in music. Some of us even tell others of us to give up. There’s no such thing as “making it” in 2018.

But with a little bit here and a little bit there, some commissions here and commissions there, I think I can hobble together a living. It’s what I want. So I don’t think I have time for the jokes about being broke anymore. They served their purpose, but they’ve run out of steam and now I need a new idea.

Music and money. Tough stuff. In honor of the hard working musicians pouring their hearts out in between shifts so that someone somewhere can feel not so alone, here’s a song by musical warrior, Jana Pochop. She’s a friend of mine and all ‘round rockstar.

“Martyrs don’t walk through their own open doors.”