I have terribly negative self-talk habits. I've had them since forever and I know that about myself. I am thankful that I'm cognicent of this fact because it helps me fight against such a habit on good days. On bad days habit just takes over.

On good days I think, "Well, I'm gonna work with what I've got and so be it." or "I know I'm terrible, but I'm going to go ahead and do it anyway."

On good days I write songs that I want to write and feel fearless. But because my bad self-talk can sneak in so easily, I've come up with some tricks to get around it. For example, I pretend I'm some other person who is unapologetic of the work they produce and then I write the song.

A few days ago I did this and I love the song I wrote. I pretended to be the lead singer of The Pogues, Shane MacGowan. I know almost nothing about him, but I've watched lots of youtube videos of his live performances and I am struck by his effortless confidence and unapologetic manner. That's what I thought of when I wrote the song.

And then I recorded the song and this is where it gets sexist. I recorded the song and gave a short introduction to the song saying how I imagine a cool male vocalist singing it. Like a Shane MacGowan and then I said something like, "A cool dude who can show us all how it's done."

 

What.

 

What is my problem?!! If you're not clear about what an asshole I am to my own self here's what I'm thinking now that I reflect upon that unrehearsed thought:

 

I WROTE THE SONG!!! I'M SHOWING EVERYONE HOW IT'S DONE!!! WHY DO I NEED SOME 'cool dude' TO SHOW ME HOW IT'S DONE WHEN I ALREADY DID IT?!!!!

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!!

Oh I know. I wrote the content, but really I'm just a dumb girl who doesn't have what it takes to make the song really shine. I need to hand it off to some man who can do the job better than I can. Who cares if I actually did the work and made the song kickass. It won't really be kickass until a man sings it. 

Pardon my French, but what an asshole. Me, I mean. I'm the asshole. I'm the sexist. 

So I guess this is a good day. I can see where I went wrong with my self-talk and I feel worthy enough to take the work back. Cory Branan, yes. You'd be so cool singing this song, but not as cool as me. It's mine.

It took me a few times watching the video for it to hit me. Perhaps you heard it and registered the sexism on the first go around. My apologies. Please, go be bigger than you think you deserve to be. Go be better than the boys. I know I am.

Addendum: To all the men, I know you wish me well. Thank you. It's not you, it's me. I don't even wish myself well. But I'm working on it.

Here's the video in question. It's called, "My Darling Dear."

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