That's just how my mind works. This week at morning Bible Study we invited Josh to come and talk to us about our lives as stories. We asked him to come because almost every week, no matter what we're studying, we return to the same theme over and again:

What are we doing with ourselves? What are we supposed to be when we grow up?

Most of us are in our 30s and 40s. We all feel like we're still moving toward something or searching around for something we can't name just yet. Looking at our lives with some perspective and some reflection might be what we need to at least make peace with these jumble of days we live.

I just finished reading this book that Jon gave me on a whim. It's a theology book focused on women. But not like anything I've ever read before. To call it counter cultural is an understatement. It has given me lots to think about. I love it because it's so gutsy and unapologetic and super smart. It is not fluff. I'm into fluff. I like the hard stuff. 

I find myself wanting more gigs, sending out the emails, putting myself out there. I find myself without any merchandise to sell and it's getting me nervous. I find myself wanting more and being afraid to really want it. I keep having these dreams about music. I keep wishing  I had the time to dig into work that I've been putting off and saving for later. I'm itching for the road, but I just got home. I'm a mess for lots of reason.

I know the big answer is Jesus and I know all the rest of the stuff may stay fuzzy for some time, but I wish I felt like I imagine other well-adjusted adults feel. I wish I felt sure and focused and confident in my goals. It would be great to hear a booming voice from heaven saying, "Hope! Book that gig in Fort Collins! It's worth it!" or "Hope! Make the album! Trust me on this one." 

You'd think that recent kickass gigs and good reviews would be enough to give me confidence to dive into what I keep at arm's length. But lately I've seen things fall apart. I see how fragile these days are and I wonder about patience and humility and wisdom. 

But you guys know all this. It's playing out for you in your story only the details are different. It's not fluff. It's not easy. It's the hard stuff. The hard stuff is worth it.

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