So far we’ve had the end of school, the Memorial Day, the Vacation Bible School, The Nebraska Folk and Roots festival the family vacation in Arkansas, the Boy Scout Camp, the National Youth Gathering and now into the fields for some good old fashioned detasseling before it’s time for school cleaning day (next week), back to school shopping and then the machine gets fired up all over again. But first Darrell Scott and Band of Horses!!!

There was a glimmer of couples tennis every day after work last week right up until Jon got injured and now there’s no more tennis. Heck, for Jon, there’s no more unassisted walking and no more right leg until he heals from his injury so that will help us to remember summer 2019 forever and always.

Mostly I’ve been thinking about my future, thinking about the past, trying to improve my run times, understanding the story I’ve been telling myself around money and learning how to use my new recording rig. I wake up some mornings feeling like it’s time to start conquering the world. I wake up some mornings thinking I have enough blankets in the closet and clothespins in the pantry to make a pretty sizeable blanket fort where I can hide from now on and no one will ever find me.

Yesterday was a blanket fort day. I worked on a song, I worked on some tracking but mostly I hid behind some Netflix and didn’t succeed in fending off the voices in my head.

They are so loud, you guys. So loud. They say, “You are making a fool of yourself. You could cut and run right now and still maybe get hired on at the Tenneco plant if you play your cards right. You know what your problem is? You write too many middle of the road songs and that means no one even knows what you’re about because your work sucks. What kind of loser mother of three throws her life away on something that doesn’t keep the lights on or solve world hunger? Come on.”

And you know what sucks even more? I know those voices really well. I’ve spent lots of time with them. They are terrible and comfortable at the same time. They’re just trying to tell me the truth and protect me from my own dumb ideas and notions. But are they though? Are they protecting me? Like aluminum foil on my windows and a fort made from bedding?

Some of you know I’ve spent almost one year working with a life coach. Life coaches are amazing. Essentially my life coach helped me learn how important it is to change my thoughts in order to change my emotional inner landscape and thus change how I live and act in the world.

It’s pretty incredible. On non-blanket fort days the dialogue goes more like:

“I am changing my thoughts around money and redefining my relationship with it. I have all the tools I need to learn, grow, take risks and move the ball down the court. I’m not wasting time, I’m doing the work I was created to do by my Heavenly Father. I don’t look to the past to inform how I want to live in the future.”

And all the while the purple cone flowers are blooming, the bind weed won’t quit it, the grapes grow in bunches, the bug spray is ever present and I can’t figure out how to string these vintage outdoor lights up in my backyard. I have funding for this season’s concert series, we enjoyed the Potato Bake at the Senior Center after church last Sunday, I played two shows last weekend for my superfans, my people who have been showing up to my gigs for years now like champions, I’ve almost reached my goal for 75 gigs in 2019 (I need 8 more, check out my booking page and let’s talk), someone is gifting us A HYBRID CAR, I bit the bullet and bought the gear that will help me do my job better, the boys are growing up before my eyes and I am in wonder of their beauty, and Mike- in perfect Mike fashion- knocked on my door to let me know he was mowing my lawn since Jon can’t do it for the next 6 weeks or so.

I crave the blanket fort when I think that all my ideas will tangle me up. There’s so much I want to do and I won’t be able to keep it all straight and organized so best not move, get a flashlight and some Netflix. What if what I want to come true actually does start happening but it throws me head first into more stuff I don’t know how to do? What happens then?

I guess I climb the trellis. I guess I ask for help. I suppose I pack a lunch and set out for the field before the sun is up. I’ve done hard things before. I can do hard things again. So far I have survived all the scary things: airplanes, college, marriage, child-bearing, child-rearing, rollercoasters, open Mics, Excel spreadsheets (just barely), scary movies, foreign languages, the DMV, all of it. Still standing. Still paying off that college loan and not beating myself up about it.

The days are still long. I don’t have to put on a coat to go outside. The pool’s still open and so are these summer days. Let’s go find some water and jump in. Let’s go find some adventure, get exhausted, get invigorated, get inspired and leave the blankets at home.

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